Office Hours (Jess Willar/Lorut Vila)

[Jess Willard]

[Counselor's Office]

Jess had arrived at her office earlier than usual for once. She'd had so much on her plate between consults with other counselors and her new patients she'd neglected time to do the basic admin part of her job. Finally, she was taking time to get caught up. Almost half an hour later she'd made serious headway on getting caught up with the paperwork of her job. Unfortunately for her, she'd gotten lost in her work and when the chime sounded at the door it made her jump slightly. She glanced at the time, then her schedule, then the door. A first-time patient first thing in the morning. She stood and called out for Vila to enter the room as she made her way over to the chair on the far side of the room.

[Lorut Vila]

Counselor's Office

Vila really, REALLY didn't want to be here, but she had no other options. She knew if she didn't at least appear to be doing things to help herself, the powers that be would recommend her to have her commission taken away, and that would be WORSE than whatever this held.

She walked into the office, but didn't immediately sit. She was too keyed up-she was always tense, and on high alert. Some counselors before had called her neurotic. She called it prepared for danger.

"I am Ens. Lorut Vila. You can call me Vila," she said. "Most people do. My ex-husband was human and could never quite get the hang of the Bajoran naming customs," she said. "I assume you've had a chance to read my file? Hopefully you'll be better than the last counselor the Fleet forced me to see," she said. That woman had been incompetent at best-an abject failure at worst. Vila didn't trust counselors much, and doctors? Even less.

[Jess Willard]

Counselor's Office

Vila really, REALLY didn't want to be here, but she had no other options. She knew if she didn't at least appear to be doing things to help herself, the powers that be would recommend her to have her commission taken away, and that would be WORSE than whatever this held.

She walked into the office, but didn't immediately sit. She was too keyed up-she was always tense, and on high alert. Some counselors before had called her neurotic. She called it prepared for danger.

"I am Ens. Lorut Vila. You can call me Vila," she said. "Most people do. My ex-husband was human and could never quite get the hang of the Bajoran naming customs," she said. "I assume you've had a chance to read my file? Hopefully you'll be better than the last counselor the Fleet forced me to see," she said. That woman had been incompetent at best-an abject failure at worst. Vila didn't trust counselors much, and doctors? Even less.

[Couselor's Office]

Jess smiled at the woman softly and nodded her head to acknowledge the woman. "Vila. A lovely name. It's a pleasure to meet you. You can call me Jess, doc, counselor, or whatever makes you feel most at ease." She said warmly. "I did...skim your file. But only skim. I find usually reading someone's file too intently can cause you to form expectations for a patient before you even meet them and those do nothing but get in your way."

The counselor paused a moment before shifting the subject slightly. "I want to set an expectation for these sessions with you. You've been ordered to be here, I understand that can be frustrating for many. While it is my want to help you, I also want you to feel comfortable here. Never feel pressured to talk about things with me. I have snacks and tea on standby, if you ever don't want to talk we can just sit and drink some tea together." A sudden realization that they were both standing occurred to her causing her to imperceptibly jump. She motioned to the furniture in the middle of the room before speaking again. "Speaking of comfort, have a seat. Would you like tea while I'm up?"

[Lorut Vila]

Vila tried to keep her tone in check. This woman was trying to help....

"Thank you." She sat, but not all the way. She sat at the edge of the chair, legs straight-body language said ready to flee.

"I think that's a good thing-not forming a first opinion. I'll try to keep an open mind, as well. So...yes, I was ordered here. I have...personality issues," she said. "I just...I don't understand why it's so important to everyone that I make friends. Can't I just do my job and go back to my quarters and be left alone?" She asked. "That's all I want-to be left alone. I have plenty of friends, I don't need more. I have....my ex-husband has reappeared in my life, too. I don't know why. I don't know how. I just...I can't function like this anymore. Too many people who are in my business. In the militia, they left us mostly alone, in groups of three to five, to do our work and go home."

She stopped speaking...she hadn't really meant to reveal so much just yet.

[Jess Willard]

Vila tried to keep her tone in check. This woman was trying to help....

"Thank you." She sat, but not all the way. She sat at the edge of the chair, legs straight-body language ready to flee.

"I think that's a good thing-not forming a first opinion. I'll try to keep an open mind, as well. So...yes, I was ordered here. I have...personality issues," she said. "I just...I don't understand why it's so important to everyone that I make friends. Can't I just do my job and go back to my quarters and be left alone?" She asked. "That's all I want-to be left alone. I have plenty of friends, I don't need more. I have....my ex-husband has reappeared in my life, too. I don't know why. I don't know how. I just...I can't function like this anymore. Too many people who are in my business. In the militia, they left us mostly alone, in groups of three to five, to do our work and go home."

She stopped speaking...she hadn't really meant to reveal so much just yet.

[Counselor's Office]

Jess smiled slightly as she took a seat at a distance that indicated that she was there but not a threat. She could tell that the Bajoran felt like she overshared. "I'll let you in on a secret. We all have personality issues. Some of us just hide it. My job wouldn't exist if that wasn't the case. We have to embrace that about ourselves. For instance, I have a serious tendency to use work as a crutch to avoid putting myself in uncomfortable situations. But it's important to push ourselves sometimes out of our comfort zones."

The counselor leaned back in her seat and crossed her legs. "Why do you think it is that you want to be left alone? Do you think it's a habitual thing or avoiding uncomfortable situations?"

[Lorut Vila]

Vila considered a moment.

"Habitual. I have always been a bit...headstrong, even as a young child.It only got worse as I got older. The Cardassians didn't know what to do with a mouthy ten year old, so I was beaten sometimes. Mostly just given more tasks. Then, as I got older, and we were liberated...it got worse as each bad thing happened. When my father died, it kind of...started me on the worst of it. School was terrible-the only thing I could focus on was my work with the Militia-I was small and fast, and could channel my anger to shooting things and throwing grenades. After school, I met my ex husband, and...it just got worse. I can't--couldn't have children. Four miscarriages, and each one was worse than the last. I started relying more and more on alcohol. Ben was gone a LOT with his work in the Fleet-he's a Commander now, third in command of his ship-and I needed something. We left DS9 and Bajor, where I had, obviously, felt most at home, and was ok. I couldn't really hack it as an officer's wife...my brain is active and I am one of those people who, when I get bored, I get destructive. I couldn't very well destroy things, so I destroyed MYSELF." She shrugged. "The fifth and final time we tried to have a baby... I made it to four months, and...he was born early. They couldn't...save him. He died a few hours after the birth, and...that was it. I lost it. I blamed Ben....and a year later, we were separated. A year after that, our divorce was finalized. I went back to Bajor for a bit. I realize now it wasn't his fault...but I just knew at the time that he was a scientist, and the Fleet doctors were supposed to be the best in the Universe...why couldn't they fix it?!" She shrugged again. "Now...it's too late, I guess, but I did discover that it was either something that Cardassians did directly TO me or something we were exposed to. Viruses were rampant. The doctor at the Academy informed me that it was...not a genetic thing." She sighed.

"Can I have some coffee?" She crossed to the replicator.

[Jess Willard]

Vila considered a moment.

"Habitual. I have always been a bit...headstrong, even as a young child.It only got worse as I got older. The Cardassians didn't know what to do with a mouthy ten year old, so I was beaten sometimes. Mostly just given more tasks. Then, as I got older, and we were liberated...it got worse as each bad thing happened. When my father died, it kind of...started me on the worst of it. School was terrible-the only thing I could focus on was my work with the Militia-I was small and fast, and could channel my anger to shooting things and throwing grenades. After school, I met my ex husband, and...it just got worse. I can't--couldn't have children. Four miscarriages, and each one was worse than the last. I started relying more and more on alcohol. Ben was gone a LOT with his work in the Fleet-he's a Commander now, third in command of his ship-and I needed something. We left DS9 and Bajor, where I had, obviously, felt most at home, and was ok. I couldn't really hack it as an officer's wife...my brain is active and I am one of those people who, when I get bored, I get destructive. I couldn't very well destroy things, so I destroyed MYSELF." She shrugged. "The fifth and final time we tried to have a baby... I made it to four months, and...he was born early. They couldn't...save him. He died a few hours after the birth, and...that was it. I lost it. I blamed Ben....and a year later, we were separated. A year after that, our divorce was finalized. I went back to Bajor for a bit. I realize now it wasn't his fault...but I just knew at the time that he was a scientist, and the Fleet doctors were supposed to be the best in the Universe...why couldn't they fix it?!" She shrugged again. "Now...it's too late, I guess, but I did discover that it was either something that Cardassians did directly TO me or something we were exposed to. Viruses were rampant. The doctor at the Academy informed me that it was...not a genetic thing." She sighed.

"Can I have some coffee?" She crossed to the replicator.

Jess stood and walked behind her desk. "Absolutely, but in this office we don't do coffee from the replicator." Jess said happily. "Have you ever tried the real thing? It certainly takes longer to make but I find the process of making it really therapeutic." She grabbed her hand grinder and a small container of beans she'd pre-weighed as well as her v60. Slowly she poured the beans into the top of the hand grinder and held it out. "Destructive huh?" She thought to herself as she turned on the kettle and set up the carafe with the v60 on top. "While we chat I'm going to teach you how to make it."

She'd picked up the hobby of making coffee herself during her residency. Another patient had gotten her to do it after discovering it calmed them down when having a panic attack. Since then she'd used it regularly with other patients. "I've already got all the settings ready to go. Just turn the crank until you feel it becomes quite a bit easier. Then you can take the bottom cap off and empty it into this cotton filter." She paused slightly before continuing. "You've been through a great deal. It sounds like you've lost a lot, mixed with the need to fight it's no wonder you want to hide away. I'm sure habit is a large part of it, but it's natural when you've lost as much as you have to try to close yourself off from new attachments."

[Lorut Vila]

Vila stood at the replicator for a moment. She couldn't tell if the woman was being facetious or honestly giving her an option. Still, she watched carefully.

"I have, actually. My ex husband was into coffee from all over; wherever we'd go, he'd buy beans. I couldn't ever get him to switch to tea," she said. "Ben was stubborn like that." She was stubborn in her ways, though, of course.

"I could do that..." She said. She crossed back to the chair, and sat, again, at the edge. She wasn't comfortable-she never was. She was always tense, even when she was asleep. Always alert to danger lurking. "It's not just new attachments...people don't understand. They say I should be over it by now. How can I be over it?! It's...too many things to happen to a single person. And I was a child for most of it. A CHILD. They took my doll. I have never been able to recover it..." She broke down then. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried, but it came out now.

[Jess Willard]

Vila stood at the replicator for a moment. She couldn't tell if the woman was being facetious or honestly giving her an option. Still, she watched carefully.

"I have, actually. My ex husband was into coffee from all over; wherever we'd go, he'd buy beans. I couldn't ever get him to switch to tea," she said. "Ben was stubborn like that." She was stubborn in her ways, though, of course.

"I could do that..." She said. She crossed back to the chair, and sat, again, at the edge. She wasn't comfortable-she never was. She was always tense, even when she was asleep. Always alert to danger lurking. "It's not just new attachments...people don't understand. They say I should be over it by now. How can I be over it?! It's...too many things to happen to a single person. And I was a child for most of it. A CHILD. They took my doll. I have never been able to recover it..." She broke down then. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried, but it came out now.

Jess had begun to pour the hot water in a circular motion over the grounds, enough for the two of them to each have a cup when Vila continued. As she began to cry the counselor sat the kettle back onto her desk and made her way over to where she was now sat. "Trauma leaves scars. Scars deeper than we usually realize. If you had managed to get through all of that on your own unscathed I'd be more surprised."

A sympathetic look appeared on the counselor's face as she moved back to her desk, pouring two cups of coffee. She sat a cup on a coaster in front of Vila and one in front of the couch where Jess now sat. "But through all of it you've persisted. It can't be understated how remarkably impressive it is you're here in this moment."

[Lorut Vila]

Vila nodded.

"Indeed, it does," she said.

"I had to survive. The alternative was letting them win," she said. "I've never been the kind of person to let anyone beat me, at least not without a fight." Vila said. "Even when I was little, and playing with my brothers. The problem is that I don't use a lot of physical violence, I prefer to outsmart my opponent. I learned that...quick." She said.

Soon, the coffee was ready, and Vila took it, gratefully.

"So...what do I DO about it?"

[Jess Willard]

Vila nodded.

"Indeed, it does," she said.

"I had to survive. The alternative was letting them win," she said. "I've never been the kind of person to let anyone beat me, at least not without a fight." Vila said. "Even when I was little, and playing with my brothers. The problem is that I don't use a lot of physical violence, I prefer to outsmart my opponent. I learned that...quick." She said.

Soon, the coffee was ready, and Vila took it, gratefully.

"So...what do I DO about it?"

Jess sat for a moment with the question thinking carefully about the answer. "The truth is that what you do about it is entirely up to you. Only you can answer that." She replied calmly. "You can let it consume you, let you shut off from the world. You can try to use it as a fuel which will burn bright, but that fire will likely burn you too. Or you let others help you carry the weight. I'm not going to lie to you, letting people help you can be incredibly hard. We'll start you small, don't worry. I'm not going to ask you to walk out of the office and go make a friend. Not yet at least." The counselor added, allowing her voice to become slightly more upbeat at the end of her comments.

[Lorut Vila]

Vila let out a small chuckle, but then a sigh.

"No one else should carry this pain," she said. "Even my ex-husband. He has his own...and I asked him to carry mine with his, and...it broke us." She sipped the hot drink again. "But I couldn't carry HIS pain and mine. I needed him to step up and help me. He couldn't. At least not in the way I NEEDED him to. He tried to soothe it with sweet words. I needed..well. I needed him to make some hard calls. Probably I needed him to force me to go to medical and counseling far more regularly. I think he thought I wasn't as bad off as I was. I was really good at hiding things for awhile. And then... I wasn't." She said. "I don't blame him, exactly, but the loss of trust was the worst. It made everything worse." She said. "The one person I'd come to rely on betrayed me in the worst way possible and...well. It's not fair to put this on anyone. Even you. I hope you have someone else YOU can share this burden with. I am sure that plenty here have faced loss, but I am not sure if most are fleeing from the trauma of being a slave and prisoner of war. Or a lost child. Or an ex-husband who thought it'd be hilarious to show back up in your life after five years of zero contact," she said.

"I hope not! I don't think anyone here wants to be my friend. Most people don't really understand why I am so guarded and tense. I just...I've learned that danger is everywhere and you can't be too cautious. The only person I've met so far who seemed ok was someone called Saqa7 and she's on a leave of absence," she said. The first day she'd come aboard.

[Jess Willard]

Vila let out a small chuckle, but then a sigh.

"No one else should carry this pain," she said. "Even my ex-husband. He has his own...and I asked him to carry mine with his, and...it broke us." She sipped the hot drink again. "But I couldn't carry HIS pain and mine. I needed him to step up and help me. He couldn't. At least not in the way I NEEDED him to. He tried to soothe it with sweet words. I needed..well. I needed him to make some hard calls. Probably I needed him to force me to go to medical and counseling far more regularly. I think he thought I wasn't as bad off as I was. I was really good at hiding things for awhile. And then... I wasn't." She said. "I don't blame him, exactly, but the loss of trust was the worst. It made everything worse." She said. "The one person I'd come to rely on betrayed me in the worst way possible and...well. It's not fair to put this on anyone. Even you. I hope you have someone else YOU can share this burden with. I am sure that plenty here have faced loss, but I am not sure if most are fleeing from the trauma of being a slave and prisoner of war. Or a lost child. Or an ex-husband who thought it'd be hilarious to show back up in your life after five years of zero contact," she said.

"I hope not! I don't think anyone here wants to be my friend. Most people don't really understand why I am so guarded and tense. I just...I've learned that danger is everywhere and you can't be too cautious. The only person I've met so far who seemed ok was someone called Saqa7 and she's on a leave of absence," she said. The first day she'd come aboard.

Jess paused a moment as she sipped her coffee. She nodded, thinking incredibly carefully about Vila's words. "An unspoken universal truth is that none of us get to choose the weight we carry. Something most people don't know is that I was adopted. For most of my life, I didn't know where I came from." The truth was that her biological parents had died in the line of duty, but her parents didn't want to tell her that until she was old enough. "It destroyed me mentally for YEARS. Which is actually how I fell into this profession. I struggled for a long time with carrying that alone and when I started going to therapy regularly it clicked for me. That was when I decided that as long as I had the ability to, I would never let someone else carry their burdens alone. All that to say, don't worry about me. I've got tools to deal with anything you could throw at me."

She looked away for a moment and allowed a curious look to appear on her face before letting her eyes dart back."Do you think people actually don't understand how guarded you are, or do you think maybe you read into it so you can justify not trying to have a connection with them?"

[Lorut Vila]

Vila finished the coffee quickly. It was more or less a vice when she couldn't drink something stronger. She never drank alcohol on duty, but it didn't really matter because she was used to drinking enough OFF duty that she still felt the affects later on. She was drying out and would soon stop fully, but it was slow and methodical, while being watched carefully by Medical. She was trying, at least, to make positive forward changes in her life. It was no longer acceptable to kill Cardassians willy-nilly, so she had to do something.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. Knowing your parent died is the worst; my father was killed in action, and it was just...one more thing, so. I understand," she said. "I hope that you know that they cared enough to love you as their own. Most people wouldn't bother. I would. If a child fell into my lap tomorrow, I would move the Heavens to adopt it and take it as my own." She bit her lip-it sounded crazy, but she was serious. She had built a LOT of her identity around being a mother, and the fact that she couldn't was worse than everything else that had happened, except the reason she couldn't have children.

"I think maybe both. It's not like you can invite your friend for coffee and be like "Oh, yeah, I was a POW for three years, and after that, I avenged my people by joining the Militia to kill the people who subjugated us, want some pie?" She sighed. "No." She shrugged. "I don't know how to relate to people, particularly other women, because I feel like I have nothing in common with most. They are concerned about their partners or children. I have neither. I have no real outside hobbies. I work, and then I go home. The militia never encouraged us to pursue much outside of that, for obvious reasons, and then after...I sank myself into being an officer's wife and cultivating that. The past five years since my divorce, I havetried to "find myself," she said, making air quotes, "But...Nothing holds my interests that long except doing stuff related to work. Computer operations and programming. That kind of thing. I tried gardening-that failed. I don't have the patience for cooking. I can't draw. All I can do is shoot things, and fix computers." She said. She was getting antsy now.

[Jess Willard]

Vila finished the coffee quickly. It was more or less a vice when she couldn't drink something stronger. She never drank alcohol on duty, but it didn't really matter because she was used to drinking enough OFF duty that she still felt the affects later on. She was drying out and would soon stop fully, but it was slow and methodical, while being watched carefully by Medical. She was trying, at least, to make positive forward changes in her life. It was no longer acceptable to kill Cardassians willy-nilly, so she had to do something.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. Knowing your parent died is the worst; my father was killed in action, and it was just...one more thing, so. I understand," she said. "I hope that you know that they cared enough to love you as their own. Most people wouldn't bother. I would. If a child fell into my lap tomorrow, I would move the Heavens to adopt it and take it as my own." She bit her lip-it sounded crazy, but she was serious. She had built a LOT of her identity around being a mother, and the fact that she couldn't was worse than everything else that had happened, except the reason she couldn't have children.

"I think maybe both. It's not like you can invite your friend for coffee and be like "Oh, yeah, I was a POW for three years, and after that, I avenged my people by joining the Militia to kill the people who subjugated us, want some pie?" She sighed. "No." She shrugged. "I don't know how to relate to people, particularly other women, because I feel like I have nothing in common with most. They are concerned about their partners or children. I have neither. I have no real outside hobbies. I work, and then I go home. The militia never encouraged us to pursue much outside of that, for obvious reasons, and then after...I sank myself into being an officer's wife and cultivating that. The past five years since my divorce, I havetried to "find myself," she said, making air quotes, "But...Nothing holds my interests that long except doing stuff related to work. Computer operations and programming. That kind of thing. I tried gardening-that failed. I don't have the patience for cooking. I can't draw. All I can do is shoot things, and fix computers." She said. She was getting antsy now.

Jess smiled and leaned in slightly. "Believe it or not that's why I took up perfecting coffee. A patient was really into it and told me how much it helped calm him so we started doing it together before sessions. Eventually, it just became part of my life. It doesn't require skill, just knowledge." She replied, her eyes getting slightly wide. "You say you don't know how to relate to people, but that was immediately following you relating to me. You did it quite well actually. I find we hold ourselves back regularly based on our internal perception of ourselves. So while you see your own trauma and pain as barriers that prevent you from relating to others, we all carry something. Just over a decade ago, I sat where you do now - well...not literally. It was on Earth not on this ship. I had become consumed with feelings of being unwanted and alone and it made me shut myself off from people. I was the only adopted kid at my school so I told myself I'd never have anything in common with anyone and decided to not even try. Turns out everyone is carrying something around. In my short time on Discovery, I've met some...amazing people and they're all united by one thing. Everyone is carrying hurt, be it an unresolved trauma from childhood, someone else's expectations crushing them, repressed memories, or grief. You'd be surprised what some people on this ship carry every single day. And it's scary to put yourself out there and try to relate. For what it's worth I do believe in you, but I'm not going to push you until I'm confident you're ready to take that step. And when that time comes, know I'll be right there with you. If you need someone to diffuse tension, I've been told I'm pretty good at reading people and helping with that kind of stuff." She finished with a small wink.