Grief and Loss. (Incomplete)

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - s'Lhoell quarters]

Tess sat at Fvienn's bed and watched him sleeping. The baby boy lay on his stomach - he had moved in his sleep -, dreaming peacefully. It had been a tough day. She hadn't heard from Rayek in almost three days now which concerned her greatly. Perhaps it was the fact that she was pregnant that made her extra anxious, otherwise she might not have freaked out about it in her mind as much as she had, knowing that Rayek was able and willing to do anything to get himself back to her and Fvienn safely.
Later today the ship had gotten under attack - a massive attack from what it felt like. The ship shook violently and there were explosions. Tess had stayed in the quarters with Fvienn, trying to calm her son down who was terrified.

Tears continued to roll down her cheeks as memories of what else happened that day popped up in her mind. She sobbed quietly, cluching a tissue paper in her shaky hands. She felt alone right now, without Rayek, none of her friends and family near her. What if something did happen to Rayek? If she was alone now? How was she supposed to deal with everything that happened?

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

It had taken Rayek far longer to return to Discovery than he liked, especially after hearing the news of the ship's current state - limping back to DS9 barely with warp 4.  Thankfully the ship that had picked up the Discovery Away team had slipstream and returned them to their ship once the debrief with the Admirals had occurred.

Rayek had asked on numerous occasions to make a call but protocol wouldn't allow it.  Besides when he had claimed a bathroom break mid-debrief and tried calling, without their permission, it seemed that the comms on Discovery's end were down.  He would just have to wait.

Hours had passed excruciatingly slow before he was released and the team offered transport back to Discovery.  But now he was almost home.   His long stride was quickened as he moved through the corridors towards his Executive Officer quarters.

Having overheard on the flight over that the Bridge itself had lost atmosphere, Rayek had been panicked that Tess and Fvienn may have been in imminent danger, given their quarters were assigned just the week before only two deck below the bridge.

Finally he arrived at the door and it slid open recognizing his biometrics.  The living area was dark but Rayek could see a dim light coming from the open doorway that lead to the bedroom.   The room was quiet, but a muffled noise came from the bedroom.  It sounded like crying.

"œTess?" he called softy "" uncertain if Fvienn would be asleep.  Usually if his son were awake, there was happy chatter and activity.

Rayek quickened his pace through the livingroom, almost tripping over something on the floor - a toy.  He caught himself and continued into the bedroom, where he saw Tess sitting on the bed.  One glance told him she was crying so he moved to her side and wrapped his arms about her.

"œI'm so sorry that I wasn't here."  If he had been, could he have been more capable of combating the new Breen weapon that had done this to the ship?  Likely not, but still Rayek knew he should have been here for his wife and son.

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - Deck 3 - s'Lhoell quarters]

When Tess heard the door slide open her head jerked to the side although she couldn't see the entrance door from here. Multiple emotions and thoughts went through her at the same time. Was this Rayek? Was he finally home? He shouldn't see her crying like that! Although his comfort was what she desperately needed right now she quickly wiped the tears off her face, trying not to appear as distraught as she was. Before she could think of how to act Rayek was already in the room moving over to her. No doubt he would think she was crying because of the dangerous attack they had to endure today.
She barely managed to look at him, making a pitiful attempt to smile but it was just a shaky grimace. She lowered her head when he wrapped his arms around her. His touch ... she felt like it was an eternity that she felt it although they've been apart way longer before.

Tess tried to hold back the tears, a thick lump forming in her throat that almost choked her and made her unable to get a word out. So she just clung to him, trying to calm down enough to talk without breaking down immediately. Plus she didn't want to wake Fvienn.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

Tess' reaction to his being home wasn't at all what he had anticipated.   He'd thought she'd have been elated for him to be home now.  But he found her clinging to be almost desperate in feel.    Still he held her close and murmured words he hoped she would find helpful.   "I'm here with you Tess.  You're safe."

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - Deck 3 - s'Lhoell quarters]

In her current state she got his words all wrong. Suddenly she felt a burst of anger. Safe?! She hadn't been safe! Why hadn't he been here to help her? To protect her?

Slowly she pulled back from him and her expression softened again. She had missed him so much. Now he was finally here, safe and sound. Instead of celebrating his safw return and them being together again she had such horrible news for him.

She focused on taking a few deep breaths until the lump in her throat didn't feel so thick anymore.

"I'm glad I haven't lost you", she whispered, her voice still rough from crying. It was an odd way for her to phrase it like that, but it was due to the situation that it came out like that. Fvienn stirred in his sleep, turning on his other side. Tess watched, hoping he wouldn't wake up. Gladly, the boy continued to sleep.

"We should let him sleep." She got up, feeling a short pain in her lower abdomen but she tried to ignore it. The doctors said it was normal and she being a doctor herself knew it, too.
She slowly walked out of the nursery into the living room area. Moving, even if it was just a few steps, helped her a little bit to distract her.

"How did the mission go?", she asked, trying to avoid the topic for now.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

Rayek had thought to comfort his wife for a while in his arms, but all too soon she pulled away and for the briefest of moments as he looked to her, he thought he saw a spur of anger flash across her face, but by the time he registered this, her expression had smoothed to her usual countenance.

That she might be upset with him was reasonable.  Away on mission, he had no means of ensuring she and Fvienn were safe.  Which had been part of his reason for suggesting she and Fvienn return to Ba'ku.  Despite his logical reasoning, he had been relieved when she insisted they would stay.   He had missed them terribly while he'd been assigned to the Free State and prior when he'd been in the alternate universe.

While she took a few deep breathes to recover from her crying, Rayek reached out a hand and placed it gently on Fvienn's back, feeling the rise and fall from his son's breathing.   Fvienn looked so peaceful sleeping.

Tess' whispered words drew Rayek's attention and he wondered if she'd already heard through the rumor mill about his near miss.  On reflex, Rayek's hand moved to touch at his right ear tip, feeling the soreness there from the disruptor burn that was evidence of how narrowly he had avoided being struck and killed.

Fvienn stirred and Tess suggested they let him sleep.  Rayek nodded but couldn't resist leaning down to lay a kiss atop his son's head.  He stood and moved to walk beside Tess.   She seemed to move even more gingerly than before.   He wanted to suggest that she return to bedrest, as she walked past their bed but knew his "˜mother-henning' was not something she appreciated.

He followed her out into the livingroom and sighed when the talk turned to the mission.

This had been his first mission as Discovery's Executive Officer.  While he'd worked with some of the Discovery crew over the past month as Subcommander on the Valdore the dynamic was definitely different now.

Because of her Captain's security clearance, Rayek had no qualms about sharing mission details with his wife, even if she wasn't directly involved.  He disliked keeping things from her.  It had been difficult on the Valdore when by Free State rule he wasn't permitted to share such details.

In his Return-to-Duty interview with Starfleet, he had been forthright with Starfleet Command about his need to share and talk about current missions with his wife.  He had told them he would not accept a position where that would not be possible "" meaning no Starfleet Intelligence or Section 31 roles.  It was later that afternoon that he'd been offered the Executive Officer position on Discovery.
"œThe mission was a successful.  We managed to download the Dominion database from the Breen base and in doing so discovered that the base itself was built around a Borg sphere.   I was concerned that if left in the hands of the Breen that they would reverse engineer their own working Transwarp technology, so I made the executive decision to completely destroy the sphere, which exploded the entire base."

Rayek was responsible for the deaths of 100's of Breen and Jem'Hadar who hadn't managed to escape the explosion in time.   It might have been 1000's if most ships which had been docked at the base when they first arrived hadn't been engaged in battle with the Federation fleet at the time of the explosion.

During his debrief, he'd learned that one such Breen ship had used a new weapon on Discovery which had basically crippled her power leaving her defenseless.  The ship survived not by her own means but because of the intervention of a Free State Warbird.   Rayek had never been so grateful for his peoples' nosiness and tendency to sit cloaked and watch others battle it out. Rayek suspected that had it been any other ship and Captain, the Romulan Commander would have stayed out of fray and let the Federation ship be destroyed.   However, Discovery and Captain Tekin, had gained the respect of the Romulan Free State over the past three years with their aid in securing control of the Romulan borders for the Free State.  That intervention had saved his wife and son, so Rayek knew he owed that Romulan Commander hugely.

"œThe main Nor station that the other team was sent to was also destroyed, in an implosion.  It seemed the rogue Cardassians were combining  Borg and Romulan technologies with their own and had a singularity drive which the other team sabotaged."

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - Deck 3 - s'Lhoell quarters]

Tess sat down on the sofa while Rayek told her about the mission. She heard the words but the meaning didn't really reach her. Soon her gaze dropped down and she stared at the floor as her thoughts kept going back to today's events that had become so tragic to her.

When she noticed the silence stretching on after Rayek was finished she lifted her gaze up to him again and nodded weakly. "I see", she said quietly. Normally, she surely would have had a comment or two about the what the away team had found out on the mission. But her mind wasn't prepared to be there, right now.

Tess chewed on her lower lip as she tried to keep it together. She looked back at Rayek. "And ... you are okay?", she asked, her voice becoming thin with heldback emotions again. "You came out fine? No injuries?" If anything that would be good news. She had worried about him so much in the past almost three days that she heard nothing of him. "I was worried", she admitted with a small forced smile she put on to try and keep the tears from filling her eyes again, but to no avail.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

Tess seemed very distracted and didn't react at all to his answer.  He was tempted to reach out and read from her thoughts what was bothering her but recognized that she wouldn't appreciate that.   He was about ask her outright what was on her mind, when she finally spoke.   Of course she would ask if he was alright.   The fact that she hadn't yet noticed the blistered eartip spoke volumes to the Romulan.

He didn't want to worry her, but also couldn't lie.  So he tried to be dismissive about the injury he did have.

"œI'm sorry you were worried.  But the doctor has cleared me."   because he didn't want to have to answer any more question, Rayek tried to redirect the conversation.  "What about you and Fvienn?"

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - Deck 3 - s'Lhoell quarters]

"Fvienn is fine", she replied and the avoided his gaze. She knew she needed to tell him, she wanted to tell him. But at the same time she was terrified. It was a hard thing to accept.

She rested her hand on the spot next to her. "Sit with me?", she asked of him. Although Rayek was standing in the very same room with her, the distance between them right now felt like a canyon. She hoped his closeness would give her the courage to get the words out.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

Hearing the Fvienn was fine was a bit of a relief though Rayek was very conscious of the fact that Tess hadn't answered for herself yet; nor was she looking at him directly   Was she too hoping to avoid speaking of a near critical injury, like he was?

Rayek was already moving towards her when she patted the seat beside her.  He sat facing her and gently took hold of her hands.   "There is something is wrong, isn't there? Tess, please.  What is it?"

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - Deck 3 - s'Lhoell quarters]

Tess immediately clutched his hands with hers. A new thick lump of unshed tears firmed in her throat that felt like choking her. She briefly looked at her husband - the person she loved most besides her child. She hated having to hurt him.

It took her a long moment until she felt capable of speaking. "The ... the ship was under attack", she began with a shaky voice. "Fvienn and I were in our quarters during the red alert. I ... I was concerned, the ship got hit over and over." Tess had been through some rough attacks in her life, but this one had been especially scary. Perhaps because she had no insight of what was going on exactly and that she had her son with her she felt the need to protect from any harm.
She swallowed hard. "At some point I started to get severe pains in my lower abdomen." Her lips trembled as tears filled her eyes. "And I started bleeding." In that moment she had known what that could mean and it had terrified her to now end. She had called for a medical team immediately because there was no way she could have walked to the sickbay, also it would have been dangerous during the red alert. They had trnsported her to the sickbay via site-to-site, a counselor looking after Fvienn.

Tears rolled down her face.
"By the time I reached the sickbay it had become way worse, and then the doctor said ..." The pain of that memory was tormenting. "Our baby's gone", she whispered, barely getting the words out as she began to sob helplessly.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

Rayek squeezed Tess' hands in response to her tight grip, and waited for his wife to begin speaking.  In the back of his mind, an unspoken fear began to grow.  There were only a few reasons that Rayek could envision Tess being so distraught over.   His fear that grew more as Tess described a pain her abdomen, and bleeding.

His own grip on Tess' hands tightened as if by squeezing them he could prevent her from finishing her explanation.  The tears he could see in her eyes once more were a foreshadowing of the terrible news she bore.   Their baby was gone?!

He stared at her for a moment as she sobbed.  No, the doctor had to be wrong.  He extracted one hand from her hold and, without even seeking permission first, he laid his hand on her abdomen and sought out with his mind the spark of life that he'd felt there just days before - prior to his leaving for his mission.

A ragged gasp escaped him when his search for that lifespark confirmed her news.  He was devastated and his tears joined hers as he pulled her to him, needing that close physical contact

[Tess tLhoell]

[USS Discovery - Deck 3 - s'Lhoell quarters]

Tess immediately wrapped her arms around Rayek, both in seeking comfort from him and also trying to provide comfort to him. She cried with him for a long moment, her face buried in the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry", she gasped in between her crying. "I'm so sorry." In some twisted irrational thinking process she felt responsible for having lost the fetus. It was her fault, somehow. And there was even the fear in the back of her mind that Rayek might not fully believe that. "I didn't want this to happen."

[Rayek trLhoell]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery - Deck Three - s'Lhoell quarters] (D4 09:00)

WHis arms enfolded her tightly and the Romulan gave a stifled sob.  He heard Tess' apologies - as if she believed this was her fault - and shook his head in denial.  He knew Tess had done everything she could.   Hybrid fetuses were notoriously difficult to carry to term - even with present medical advances.   Tess had done everything she could, he knew this.

"I know."  he answered her raggedly, "I... would never think that of you."   He reached up and stroked a hand along her hair,  before bowing his head to meet foreheads with her.   "I'm sorry.  I should have been here."