What lies beneath (Juraan and Kyjann)

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office] (after S13M7)

Juraan leaned forward and pushed the PADD closer to Kyjann across the table. "Not much, I admit. I tried to keep the diary, but didn't follow through with it. I felt like anything but meditating or focusing the past week", he said honestly. "In here is what I've managed, but it's not much."

[Kyjann]

|Counsoler's Office || USS Discovery|

Ky took a look at the PADD. Despite what Juraan thought, the assignment was quite simple, A quick analysis on what those words mean to him.

"This is good." he started out with while stroking the implant along his jaw. "I would have to agree with what you put here. And this is promising. Can you give me an example of a time when you felt that you were NOT brave."

[Juraan Ren]

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office] (after S13M7)

Juraan remained silent while Kyjann read through his short diary. He watched the man's face as he did that, trying to pick up anything from just his face about he found what he had written.

When the Vulcan even said that is was good and promising Juraan felt a bit of relief. He had been expecting him to keep on about why he had not kept the diary a full week.
Relaxing a little Juraan leaned back in the sofa. The question Kyjann then directed at him came a little bit out of the blue and the Bajoran had to think about it for a moment.

"Well ..." He cleared his throat as he wriggled slightly on the spot on the sofa as if trying to find a more comfortable position.

"I did mention to you I managed to escape from the labour camp when I was sixteen? Well, at that time I didn't feel very brave. For all the relief I felt to be away from there I felt like the biggest coward and loser there is. I ran away while the others endured their fate."

[Kyjann]

|Counselor's office || USS Discovery|

Ky took a sip of his drink and nodded.

"You took the risk to escape from the camp. What would have happened if they caught you?"

[Juraan Ren]

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office] (after S13M7)

Juraan looked back at the former Borg, his expression barely twitching.

"If they would have caught me, I would be dead now", he stated matter of factly. "Shot in the head. That is what happened to my father, he had been caught in the same attempt to escape and he had been executed right on the spot." Juraan exhaled sharpy, a half snort of angr and disbelief.

[Kyjann]

|Counselor's Office || USS Discovery|

That made sense. Juraan's father was executed because he was caught during the same escape attempt as his.

Kyjann balanced kindness with firmness,  "Do you blame yourself for your father's death?"

[Juraan Ren]

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office] (after S13M7)

Juraan thought about that for a long moment. "No", he finally stated, locking eyes with Kyjann. "There was nothing I or anybody else could have done about it. It was a 50/50 to get caught or not." He hated to make it sound like it had been a matter of luck but he believed it was just that.

[Kyjann]

Counselors Office || USS Discovery

Ky's bright eyes landed on the young man across from him and he continued to turn the mug in his hand before sitting back.

"So it ended up as Cosmic Chance?" he said followed with a short intake of air. "I can see why that would be upsetting. Having lost both my parents to the Borg, it's not easy. I'm not going to say this is going to be easy. Have you tried some holodeck simulations?"

[Juraan Ren]

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office] (after S13M7)

Juraan inclined his head at the question, looking at Kyjann a little puzzled. "What sort of holodeck simulations are you having in mind?"

[Kyjann]

Counsoler's office || USS Discovery

Ky leaned forward, and his eyes were intently upon the man's opposite of him.

"I told you from the beginning that I wasn't going to bullshit you or waste time. It seems you to have a really hard time forgiving people that had nothing to do with the occupation itself. Your anger shouldn't be at the Cardassians themselves. It should be directed at the controlling government at the time, and it's leadership. But anger, resentment, and possibly misdirected rage are preventing you from reaching that point. So here is what I'm going to do..."

He reached for a PADD, and his fingers flew over it with Borg precision and accuracy.

"This is a therapeutic order. You have been given 2 extra hours of holodeck time. But, you have to run a specific program. I'll write it up once were done here. It will consist of three stages.

Stage one: is you are to assassinate known political entities and leaders of the occupation. What and how you do that is your business.

Stage 2: You are to kill soldiers and guards. Something you have done before. I think this will be old hat for you. And it should prime you for stage three

Stage 3: You are to kill business owners, students, children and families of Cardassians that, may or may not agree with their goverment's choices. Innocent or not it's up to you to teach them what you went through. Again, the method is up to you."

"The point. Get this anger and rage out of your system so we can move on."

"I've sent the order for therepy to the XO. Though, the details were not disclosed. It is grossly personal and he doesn't need to know what it is, or what you are doing."

[Juraan Ren]

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office] (after S13M7)

The Bajoran looked back at the ex Borg for several long moments, his indecision about the matter probably evident on his face. Juraan was torn between feeling curiosity and repulsion. He also wasn't sure if it would actually help or make things worse. He didn't see himself as a freak who felt the need to indulge in bloody ego shooter holodeck programs. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to kill. What did he want then? He wasn't sure. Kill, yes - no. Maybe that program would show him.

"Alright", he finally said, nodding his head briefly. "I will give it a try."

Assuming the session was over for today he put his empty mug on the small table near the sofa he sat on.

[Kyjann]

Counselor's office || USS Discovery

Ky gave a gentile nod, "Good. We will reevaluate in a week."

The Ex-Borg stood and offered a handshake, "See you in a week."

[Juraan Ren]

==ONE WEEK LATER==

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan had been through the holodeck program Counselor Kyjann had written for him. It had felt weird and he had hesitated. The first stage had been easiest though once he had started to make plans and created strategies how to do it. There was no hesitation when he was about to pull the trigger, at first he felt a wave of satisfaction, seeing one detested leader of the occupation going down after the other. He spent the full two extra hours like this, he only stopped because his time had run out.

At the next stage Juraan found himself back in a labor camp. No, not a random one. That labor camp he had spent his childhood and teenage years in - Batal. Juraan stood there, rooted to the spot, looking at holodeck created fellow Bajorans, marked by the oppression and abuse.
His hands were clenched as this triggered so many memories and feelings that threatened to overwhelm him. He seriously considered to turn off the program and screw the whole therapy and holodeck thing.
But he forced himself to stay, taking deep calming breaths. The second stage was the worst and the hardest. The feelings that welled up inside him here were very similar to what he felt when he saw Kell. The contempt, the rage ... uncontrollable rage.
The hours he spent here were very dark, bloody and savage. Maybe it was the setting that triggered this but he was almost in a sort of frenzy as he quite skillfully finished off one Cardassian guard after the other with phasers and knifes.
He didn't last full two hours. At some point he broke down, dropping on his knees as he wept without restraint. Actually, it had been years since he cried. He had hoped he'd feel the same satisfaction like there was after the first stage. But no - he just felt the desperation and he also was ashamed of his actions in this program here. He realized that even if this would have been real it wouldn't have changed anything. The thought was depressing. Behind that depression there was hidden something else, another feeling he never had before regarding his problem, but that he couldn't see it yet. Not right now.

Juraan considered to skip the third stage completely. After a few days of procrastination he finally decided to at least take a look at it. Soon after the program started he realized that the urge to harm those Cardassians in any way was not there - he saw no point in hurting or killing them.
On the street a Cardassian boy saw him and started to insult him as he recognized he was a Bajoran. The boy laughed as he made his distasteful jokes. Juraan shifted his gaze from the boy to the mother who didn't interfere. She even seemed to approve of her son's behaviour. There was the anger again.
But Juraan didn't do anything nor did he say anything. He wandered about the place, meeting only Cardassians. He knew Kyjann had told him he was to kill civilians. Teach them what he went through. But teaching them that by killing them would mean being just like them. No. There was no point in that. After only half an hour Juraan left the program.

Now, a few days later Juraan found himself entering counselor Kyjann's office again. The holodeck computer had been recording a protocol of what happened in the program which had been sent to Kyjann since it was marked as medical or therapeutic order.

Juraan felt a little uneasy as he entered the office, knowing the holodeck experiences would be the topic to talk about today. Or that he expected.

"Counselor", was his curt greeting. The uneasiness he felt depressed his mood somewhat.

[Kyjann]

Counselor's office || USS Discovery

"Afternoon." the ex-borg said as the doctor made his way in. Ky offered him a place to sit, and of course any refreshments.

"I would like to discuss your homework, doctor, but given what recently occurred, we are going to have to put that on the back burner. As you know, the XO has ordered you to talk with me concerning an alteration that you had with a certain crewman Kell. Before we begin, I'd like to understand what it was that happened, from your point of view."

[Juraan Ren]

Lt. jg. Juraan Ren
[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan ordered himself jumja iced tea and sat down in the chair opposite Kyjann. He took a sip while the Vulcan spoke. At his explanation that they would not talk about his homework due to Ian's order and the reprimand Juraan had received he was at first relieved not having to speak of the holodeck stages, not yet at least. Though talking about the incident with Kell wasn't any better.

Juraan paused a long moment before he spoke, legs crossed and holding the glass of iced tea in both hands. "Well ... Kell marched into my quarters to retrieve a phaser she had given me while we've been on an away mission a few weeks ago. I wasn't in the mood and told her to leave. Repeatedly. She refused and insulted not only me but my people, and in addition expressed her pride in being the granddaughter of a leader of the occupation." It felt good to actually talk about what Kell had said back then. Commander Galloway hadn't been interested in hearing the details.

"We had a verbal dispute in which I once more asked her to leave. At this point I felt a level of aggression that I feared to lose control over so I wanted her to leave - since she was in my quarters. She refused and so I tried to help with that by grabbing her arm to direct her to the door. A physical altercation started from there until Commander Galloway and Commander Felder appeared and put an end to it."

Juraan paused as he looked back at Kyjann. "The rest is known to you I assume."