What lies beneath (Juraan and Kyjann)

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

As much as Juraan had tried to keep all emotions out of his story and also inwardly tried to distance himself from it - which failed but he didn't like to see that - it bothered him immensely to hear Kyjann summarizing his ordeal and that of his family in such a careless way. It made him outright angry and at the moment he didn't know how to deal with that. He wouldn't act on it, though it might be noticable in the tighter grip around the mug, the clenched jaw and grimly puckered brows.

"No, that was all of it", Juraan replied sullenly.

[Kyjann]

|Counselor's office || USS Discovery|

Ky noticed Juraan's grip tighten around the mug.

"This is a very painful ordeal. You're doing great. Hang in there." he meant that. By the way he was looking at the man. Then he continued. "This is a simple yes or no question. Would you like me to validate the hardships you've been through?" he paused for a second then continued to qualify, "As we discussed earlier, I don't like pussy footing around and I don't want to waste our time. If it's something you need, I will be more then happy to oblige. And it will be from my heart. Otherwise we can take the next step."

He was being hard. But sometimes a harden man needs tough love, and tough therapy.

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

"No, I wouldn't", Juraan replied promptly. Or would he? He didn't know. He despised to be pitied, but somehow it bothered him when Kyjann was so emtionless regarding that topic as he was. Maybe because deep inside he was quite the opposite of emotionless about it. It was complicated. He was complicated.

Juraan lifted the mug to his lips and took a small sip, knowing that Kyjann waited for his affirmation to move ahead. He savoured the taste of the beverage then set the cup back down. "It's alright, let's move ahead."

[Kyjann]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

"No, I wouldn't", Juraan replied promptly. Or would he? He didn't know. He despised to be pitied, but somehow it bothered him when Kyjann was so emtionless regarding that topic as he was. Maybe because deep inside he was quite the opposite of emotionless about it. It was complicated. He was complicated.

Juraan lifted the mug to his lips and took a small sip, knowing that Kyjann waited for his affirmation to move ahead. He savoured the taste of the beverage then set the cup back down. "It's alright, let's move ahead."

No, I wouldn't... that's a double negative. Perphaps Juraan did want some validation. A Freudian slip. Then again, Freud was a quack. Even though he was considered the "Father of psychology." James Williams was really the individual that cast the dye for the field.

"Very well. Moving forward. Tell me about the mug in your hand, and why it deserves to be crushed."

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan couldn't help but glance down on the mug in his hands at Kyjann's remark and only realized how tight his grip had become when he loosened it. He was a little annoyed at how much his body gave away involuntarily and that Kyjann was attentive enough to notice the hints.

Glancing up at the former Borg, Juraan pointedly relaxed, leaned a little more back in the sofa and cleared his throat quietly. His first impulse was to dismiss the topic but then changed his mind. "I was unpleased by the way you summarized what I have told you like you were reviewing the scores of a sports match. Angry even." Juraan held his gaze steadily as he spoke. "At the same time I didn't wish to receive pity in any form from you, I've had too much of that and I despise it. So I should be okay with the way you summed this up but I'm not. Does that make any sense to you?", he asked a little quirky.

[Kyjann]

|Counselor's Office || USS Discovery|

Ky inched to the edge of his seat resting his elbows on his knees and turning a mug in his hands.

"Gloriously convoluted. Feelings are like that. he flicked his eyes up squarely into the man's opposite of him. "But I think I know what the root issue is here."

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan met the man's eyes when he looked straight at him, narrowing his own in response to how squarely the Vulcan looked at him. Honestly, Juraan doubted Kyjann knew. The Bajoran wanted to believe of himself not be read so easily.

"Do you?", Juraan asked, his tone more challenging than curious.

[Kyjann]

|Counselor's office || USS Discovery|

"Mmm hmm." he said turning the cup in his hand, "Survivor's guilt  is a symptom of a deeper issue. In this case, that issue is your inability to forgive yourself. All your friends and family died around you and you wonder why you survived and they didn't. And you haven't forgiven yourself for it."

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Even if there was a truth to the words Kyjann said, on Juraan it had the effect of a knife being rammed into a wound that simply refused to heal. From his very subjective point of view those were things Juraan didn't want to admit even to himself. It was displaced by a much more obvious and more prominent emotion Juraan felt, which was rage. So Kyjann calling his 'survivor's guilt' a root issue was more apt than he might even be aware of.

So now, as Juraan's subconscious initiated a by now automated string of reactions so it just won't have to deal with the real issue, the Bajoran's face darkened as he felt the familiar wave of rage welling up inside him.

"Survivor's guilt?", Juraan spat, angered. "Blame myself for surviving?" He leaned forward and put down the mug on the small table so hard that some of the coffee spilled. "If there is one thing I'm blaming myself for then it is the fact that I have given up on hunting down every damn spoon head that crosses my path!"

[Kyjann]

|Counselor's office || USS Discovery|

Ky sat back on the couch taking an almost board expression while letting Juraan finish his tirade.
Juraan had reason to be angry. Anger was usually the manifestation of truth that one did not want to except. And it seemed that Juraan missed the point. But there was no real point in trying to get the train back on the track. Not while the train was continuing to run full steam ahead.

"Let me know when you're done having a passion and we can continue." he said taking a sip of his tea.

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan felt the desire to punch something. His hand balled into a fist. But he restrained himself. Stop this.. Pola would be disappointed.

Swallowing back the lump of rage he leaned back again, keeping his eyes on Kyjann. He still looked grim but he trusted himself to stay calm now.

"I'll tell you why I survived and my family and friends didn't. Because I was lucky." There was so much bitterness in his tone. "It's as simple as that. Nothing I have done, nothing they didn't do. I live and they lie dead." That was at least what he was trying to tell himself.

[Kyjann]

|Counsoler's Office || USS Discovery|

Ky waited and listened carefully.

"Statistical probabilities are a real [spoiler]bitch[/spoiler]." he said flatly.

"So. You were lucky, and they weren't. When are you going to forgive yourself for being one of the lucky ones?

He paused for a moment.

"Do you think that your situation is unique? Let me tell you, it's not. I could go on beating myself up for being one of the lucky ones. One of those Borg that were liberated while my friends and family die?. But you know what. It's not a very productive use of my time. Wallowing in self pity has done absolutely nothing for me. And it won't for you. But you can't move forward when you continue to beat yourself up for surviving. For being one of the lucky ones. Yes it sucks. Yes it's terrible. Yes it's infuriating. Yes it makes you feel helpless. Yes you want to hurt every Cardassian that ever lived for putting you and your loved ones through this. But the reality of the situation is, you can't and all you really have control over is how you are going to respond to it."

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan's steel blue eyes lingered on Kyjann. When he spoke again about forgiving himself, the Bajoran rolled his eyes as he turned his head away, closing his lids for a moment.
What made him look back at him though was when he suggested that he had gone through something similar like him.

Juraan was silent for a long moment. "How I respond to it...", he repeated Kyjann's words in a mumble. "I responded in a lot of ways." Turning his gaze back to the former Borg he continued. "With terrorism, with alcohol and drug addictions." Which might be odd since Juraan had been sitting in a distillery with Ky on Katra Station. "I couldn't deal with my life, myself ... everything. I attempted suicide twice." Skipping a large part of his life he went on: "Another response is ... distraction and now I'm here. Starfleet."

[Kyjann]

Counselor's office || USS Discovery

Again, Ky listened to Juraan after he had cooled down a bit. The man had defiantly distracted himself.

"You've been busy. How'd that work you for you?" he said matter of factually. "You've done a good job at "responding" In the physical sense, but what have you done emotionally?"

[Juraan Ren]

[USS Discovery - Counselor's office]

Juraan frowned when Kyjann suggested he had responded well. By joining a terrorist organisation and being self-destructive to no end with drugs and alcohol? His question about how he responded emotionally was just as odd given his revelation and admission about having attempted to kill himself. Twice. If that wasn't an emotional response what was it then?

Juraan exhaled slowly as he lifted his gaze to look at the half Vulcan. "I'm sorry, I don't think I understood the question."