Messages

Vila considered the woman's words. "œPerhaps. I think, though, that I've repelled some people. Besides, I wouldn't know where to start. I've stopped drinking alcohol and until I figure out some hobbies or other interests, I think I'd be boring to talk to."

She sighed. "œI understand why I do that. I need something else to train my anger towards. Besides my ex husband and the Cardassians. We're supposed to be friends now. I personally don't think I could ever be friends with someone who tried to invade my planet, but I also DO understand that most of the newer generation had nothing to do with it. That doesn't make it better." She said. "œI'm more restricted in Star Fleet than I was in the Militia, and even as a civilian ON ships and stations. Im not allowed to use the Holodecks at a whim. I have to ask permission for everything-I'm used to being a self-starter and I'm also used to constantly going. I have never been idle. I don't know how to relax. Im always tense, alert for danger. But."

"œIm exhausted."

Jess furrowed her brow slightly as she listened to Vila intently. "Then that's where we start. We find something or somewhere you feel safe. Hopefully, this space becomes safe for you at some point, but if not hopefully we can find a place where you don't have to feel on guard. Obviously, I also want to help you work through your trauma. But I think before we get to help with your past, I think we should work on making your present more comfortable." Her voice was soft like silk as she spoke now. "And to be clear, I'll never force you into doing things you don't want to do. I do have some extra access to the holodeck because of how my job works. So as a part of that, I'd like to take you to some places. There's this little cafe back in Seattle I love dearly I think you should join me at."

[[USS Discovery - Deck 9 - Counselor's office]]

[USS Discovery - Deck 9 - Counselor's office]

Tess heard what Jessica was saying and she was grateful that the counselor didn't let that gap fill oppressing silence so she could focus on keeping herself together. The lump in her throat felt so thick that Tess wasn't able to reply to anything Jessica shared about herself, but Tess definitely registered it. Being adopted was actually a pretty unique thing to have in common.

When Jessica encouraged her to talk about her father, Tess needed another moment to feel stable enough to actually talk. She wiped the tears off her face that kept coming and she swallowed several times to get rid of the lump in her throat.

"It was always a joy to stay with him", she said, her voice still shaky. "He truly treated us like we were his own children and he would do everything to support us in whatever we thrived to do. I was very lucky that our paths crossed when it did, otherwise my life would have been something extremely different." She tried a wavering smile but it vanished as quick as it came, a hint of sorrow seeping into her expression.

Jess nodded slightly and offered a slight "mmm" as an acknowledgment as she thought about what Tess had said. "When I was younger I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if my parents hadn't taken me in so willingly. They never hid that I was adopted, I just never knew what happened to my parents. Truth is life moves forward all the time. Plus, even if I could go back to change how things went, even if nothing massively changed because my biological parents..." Her voice trailed off briefly, a genuine smile appearing on her face. "I don't know that I ethically could change things. My story, my past, all of it shaped me. Without all of it I don't think I'd be sat here in this room with you. Which would be a shame because I never would have gotten to see your strength." She leaned on her armrest slightly. "Also if you're about to reply that you don't feel strong right now, know that strength isn't the absence of pain. It isn't the absence of feeling emotion. Strength is not giving in to pain and letting it consume you." Willard added without giving the woman a moment to reply.

Vila finished the coffee quickly. It was more or less a vice when she couldn't drink something stronger. She never drank alcohol on duty, but it didn't really matter because she was used to drinking enough OFF duty that she still felt the affects later on. She was drying out and would soon stop fully, but it was slow and methodical, while being watched carefully by Medical. She was trying, at least, to make positive forward changes in her life. It was no longer acceptable to kill Cardassians willy-nilly, so she had to do something.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. Knowing your parent died is the worst; my father was killed in action, and it was just...one more thing, so. I understand," she said. "I hope that you know that they cared enough to love you as their own. Most people wouldn't bother. I would. If a child fell into my lap tomorrow, I would move the Heavens to adopt it and take it as my own." She bit her lip-it sounded crazy, but she was serious. She had built a LOT of her identity around being a mother, and the fact that she couldn't was worse than everything else that had happened, except the reason she couldn't have children.

"I think maybe both. It's not like you can invite your friend for coffee and be like "Oh, yeah, I was a POW for three years, and after that, I avenged my people by joining the Militia to kill the people who subjugated us, want some pie?" She sighed. "No." She shrugged. "I don't know how to relate to people, particularly other women, because I feel like I have nothing in common with most. They are concerned about their partners or children. I have neither. I have no real outside hobbies. I work, and then I go home. The militia never encouraged us to pursue much outside of that, for obvious reasons, and then after...I sank myself into being an officer's wife and cultivating that. The past five years since my divorce, I havetried to "find myself," she said, making air quotes, "But...Nothing holds my interests that long except doing stuff related to work. Computer operations and programming. That kind of thing. I tried gardening-that failed. I don't have the patience for cooking. I can't draw. All I can do is shoot things, and fix computers." She said. She was getting antsy now.

Jess smiled and leaned in slightly. "Believe it or not that's why I took up perfecting coffee. A patient was really into it and told me how much it helped calm him so we started doing it together before sessions. Eventually, it just became part of my life. It doesn't require skill, just knowledge." She replied, her eyes getting slightly wide. "You say you don't know how to relate to people, but that was immediately following you relating to me. You did it quite well actually. I find we hold ourselves back regularly based on our internal perception of ourselves. So while you see your own trauma and pain as barriers that prevent you from relating to others, we all carry something. Just over a decade ago, I sat where you do now - well...not literally. It was on Earth not on this ship. I had become consumed with feelings of being unwanted and alone and it made me shut myself off from people. I was the only adopted kid at my school so I told myself I'd never have anything in common with anyone and decided to not even try. Turns out everyone is carrying something around. In my short time on Discovery, I've met some...amazing people and they're all united by one thing. Everyone is carrying hurt, be it an unresolved trauma from childhood, someone else's expectations crushing them, repressed memories, or grief. You'd be surprised what some people on this ship carry every single day. And it's scary to put yourself out there and try to relate. For what it's worth I do believe in you, but I'm not going to push you until I'm confident you're ready to take that step. And when that time comes, know I'll be right there with you. If you need someone to diffuse tension, I've been told I'm pretty good at reading people and helping with that kind of stuff." She finished with a small wink.

[[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]]

[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]

It wasn't so much the woman's leaning forward that caused the reaction, but the question posed that seemed to push Sydney's shoulders back into the chair in which she was sitting. Her finger tips began to gently strum against the cup being held within them as she gave Jess a slightly suspicious look, letting the question linger in silence for an exceptionally long moment given the directness of the private and uninterrupted conversation taking place. Whether she realized it or not, Jess' metaphor had caused a moment of curiosity in the Operations Officer as she tried to wrap her mind around the abstractness of it.

Humming into her words after a moment of intense thought, "...Umm, I don't know if I'd describe it like that. It was frustrating, yes, but not so much because I didn't 'fit', so to speak. The issues I was addressing, the ones I considered most pressing to both Starfleet and the entirety of the Galaxy as a whole, were treated as if they were incredibly minor, even if they had historically proven to be the cause of millions if not billions of deaths. I found it astonishing that a continuing oversight that had resulted in so much fear and death wasn't treated with the seriousness that I believed it should."

Sydney's demeanor had certainly changed as she spoke. Her suspicion and nervousness as gradually been replaced by an apparent passion, and to some extent, anger that her point of view had been seemingly dismissed so easily. Taking a quick sip of her coffee, which her fingertips had stopped strumming against as she continued to hold it in her lap, she continued, "My decision to leave Daystrom, to leave the program that only I seemed to take any interest in, was because I felt that, at least in Starfleet, they might be able to see the importance of my field of focus, since they were the ones that had so often suffered from the fear such oversight brought upon them. While I do miss certain areas of the work I was doing before, Starfleet has allowed me to not only continue to delve deeper into the issues I am focused on solving but to also expand upon it to include methods and applications I hadn't considered before. They allowed me to open my perspective to include things, such as language, that I hadn't before made the connections between.

"Now, I have a level of autonomy that I didn't truly have before. Before, I had to give regular updates; regular 'proofs' of the work I was doing and how it was improving. Here, no one seems too concerned with what I'm working on or researching as long as my duties are kept in good standing, which isn't actually terribly difficult from my perspective. It's easy to make tools to automate and monitor most of my minor duties for me, allowing me the freedom I didn't have before to focus on finding solutions to the problems I've been identifying for years. I just hope, if I find solutions or methods that fall outside of the usual 'box' of thinking, Starfleet might see value in them, instead of dismissing them without allowing me to show my evidence and proof of functionality." It was then that Sydney gave a slight, dismissive shrug before taking another sip of her coffee, as if she'd already given up on some of the effort needed to fight for her convictions and ideals.

[Counselor's Office]

Jess relaxed her posture once again as she listened to the woman speak. Then she saw the woman take a sip of replicator coffee and tensed slightly. "Next time we're getting you better coffee. We do the real stuff in this office, not replicator coffee." She said almost absentmindedly. She paused for a moment as she thought about Sydney's words. "Autonomy..." She said out loud as if to let Reid know what she was thinking. "Something I find interesting is that your quest for autonomy brought you to Starfleet, an organization with a rather strict chain of command."

Before going in for the next line of questioning she decided to shift slightly to comment on other things that had been said. She found dancing around in the conversation tended to leave people off guard for when the next questions came, something that usually allowed for much more...honest answers. It also had the added benefit of not giving people time to think on answers, because if they can't tell where you're going with something they never know what question to think on. "I would imagine it would have felt quite frustrating to have concerns feel like they weren't shared to the level you saw them. Especially when you feel like your concerns would save lives and protect people outside the organization you operate inside." Again, it was time to aim straight for a tough question. "How has the adjustment to the rigid command structure affected you?"

[[USS Discovery - Deck 9 - Counselor's office]]

[USS Discovery - Deck 9 - Counselor's office]

"It wasn't so much a decision we were able to consciously make", Tess replied, still sitting rather tense in the chair, her hands clasped between her knees, "but the circumstances made it for us." Her eyes drifted away from Jess as she recalled the events.

"We were out with Katra's ship, the Amalthea, on the search for an Ooroyoyan, a kind of astrocetus, native to the Gamma quadrant. The Atrosians, an extremely advanced species light years away from Katra that were not really fond of the Federation or Starfleet believed that the astrocetus had the ability to open the worm hole, which was still closed at that time. However, before we could complete our mission, news reached us that the worm hole was open again, so we made our way back to the station."

Tess paused there, her eyebrows furrowing as all of the memories flooded back into her mind. They weren't nice memories. "At the time, we had company of the Romulan ambassador Virahk Jarok. The Romulans wanted to have an embassy on Katra Station and Ambassador Jarok was to stay there." She didn't mention anything about the ambassador's aide who turned out to be Rayek's presumed dead Tal'Shiar brother Telmuk who had tried to kill him. Tess faltered and shook her head to keep her thoughts from going down THAT rabbit hole. "Ultimately Rayek was asked to serve a year as an exchange officer in the Romulan Free State to help build up ties with the Federation. We decided that I go back to Ba'ku, my homeplanet, with our son Fvienn and my father, well, adoptive father, Lt. Fabiano Moreno." At the thought of her father and what had happened to him, a sudden burst of emotion overcame her. Tears filled her eyes so rapidly that she couldn't do anything against the sob that escaped her throat. She lifted her hands up to cover part of her face, her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to keep it together and not have another breakdown.

[Counselor's Office]

Jess paused a moment, she considered putting her hand on the woman's shoulder but then thought better of it just in case it would startle her. "I'm sorry to make you relive such painful memories." She said empathetically. Before probing further she decided to make a comment to diffuse things slightly. "It's good to know I'm not the only adopted kid on this ship." Her voice was genuine and radiated warmth as she spoke. "My parents..." She allowed a small pained smile to appear on her face as she pushed through. "They did their best. They weren't prepared to raise a young kid but did it out of obligation when my biological parents..." She cut herself off before adding that they had died in the line of duty. "Point is they did their best. Tell me about how you felt staying with your father."

[[USS Discovery (still docked at DS9 - just prior to leaving for Katra) - Counselor's officer]]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery (still docked at DS9 - just prior to leaving for Katra) - Counselor's officer] (Last day of his bereavement leave)

How was he feeling today?  Was 'hollow' a feeling?  No..  But it was an apt description.

Before answering, he glanced about the room once more, hoping to get a better sense of the woman who sat in front of him.  Could he trust her with knowledge of his innermost issues?  While her personnel file that he'd looked over last night attested to her certification, it didn't give him knowledge of who she was as a person.   Though Dr. Eastman had for more credentials than Counselor Beja, Rayek had found the peaceful Klingon's methods more effective.

He wished he had more time to get to know what methodology Counselor Willard preferred.  But this was their first meeting and he was in crisis.

Just the notion of talking to a complete stranger about this sort of tragedy seemed wrong and caused his mouth to go dry in protest.  His glance rested on the replicator for moment.  He could delay by asking for a drink.  Wasn't that proper etiquette -  to offer refreshment?  It was what he'd learned from Dr. Elizabeth Vaughan years ago.

But no, the counselor had asked a question and he was stalling.

Rayek eventually looked back to the counselor and offered up an answer.

"I feel incomplete...and torn asunder."

There.  He'd answered honestly.  But it didn't encompass it all.  Not even close.  Suddenly, the words spilled from his dry mouth - needing to be said.

"I am heartbroken... and angry!  I am worried about Tess, and afraid that I won't be there - again! - the next time my family is in need. Afraid that she won't trust me to be there for her when she needs me.   Afraid at some point I'll be forced to choose between family and career, or worse, my mnhei'sahe - and afraid that somehow I'll be stupid enough to think I'm choosing right when I'm actually choosing all wrong!  I can't lose any more of my family..."

Yeah, that summed it up.

Jess leaned back, listening intently. Everything the man was saying was more or less what she'd expected for someone in Rayek's position. "Duty is important, certainly, but what is family if not our first duty?" She asked, almost idly. "What you're feeling is natural. I don't want to say it's right, because there's no right way to process grief. You mention the fear that you won't be there again.To get a full picture of what's going on in your head I need to know more of that history. That indicates a previous trauma that you fled from, could you elaborate on that more for me?" Her eyes met his and narrowed slightly. She wasn't sure if she'd get another opportunity to work with the first officer, so she figured she should really make this session count, and to do that she had to find the root of the fear the officer mentioned.

[[USS Discovery (still docked at DS9 - just prior to leaving for Katra) - Counselor's officer]]

Commander Rayek tr'Lhoell
[USS Discovery (still docked at DS9 - just prior to leaving for Katra) - Counselor's officer] (Last day of his bereavement leave)

Her question caught him a little by surprise, but he could understand it's purpose.  Rayek typically preferred to be addressed by his rank.  He'd worked hard to earn it.  However, he could see how it would distance him from the counseling process.  Both his counselors of the past, eventually came to address him by his given name as sessions grew more personal and he'd learned to open up.  It seemed to Rayek that Counselor Willard was attempting to bridge that gap immediately.   It was a novel concept for the Romulan but could save the two of them many weeks of counseling sessions.

He dipped his head.  "You may call by name, Counselor."

[Counselor's Officer]
Jess nodded. She was glad she was able to skip the awkward phase of not being able to address the officer. "I won't beat around the bush with you. I'm sure it's no shock that as a counselor I do tend to keep up with major life events of officers, especially of command officers. So I'm aware of why you're here, but I'm going to let you lead the conversation. Let's start with how you're feeling today."

[YEARS]

Vila let out a small chuckle, but then a sigh.

"No one else should carry this pain," she said. "Even my ex-husband. He has his own...and I asked him to carry mine with his, and...it broke us." She sipped the hot drink again. "But I couldn't carry HIS pain and mine. I needed him to step up and help me. He couldn't. At least not in the way I NEEDED him to. He tried to soothe it with sweet words. I needed..well. I needed him to make some hard calls. Probably I needed him to force me to go to medical and counseling far more regularly. I think he thought I wasn't as bad off as I was. I was really good at hiding things for awhile. And then... I wasn't." She said. "I don't blame him, exactly, but the loss of trust was the worst. It made everything worse." She said. "The one person I'd come to rely on betrayed me in the worst way possible and...well. It's not fair to put this on anyone. Even you. I hope you have someone else YOU can share this burden with. I am sure that plenty here have faced loss, but I am not sure if most are fleeing from the trauma of being a slave and prisoner of war. Or a lost child. Or an ex-husband who thought it'd be hilarious to show back up in your life after five years of zero contact," she said.

"I hope not! I don't think anyone here wants to be my friend. Most people don't really understand why I am so guarded and tense. I just...I've learned that danger is everywhere and you can't be too cautious. The only person I've met so far who seemed ok was someone called Saqa7 and she's on a leave of absence," she said. The first day she'd come aboard.

Jess paused a moment as she sipped her coffee. She nodded, thinking incredibly carefully about Vila's words. "An unspoken universal truth is that none of us get to choose the weight we carry. Something most people don't know is that I was adopted. For most of my life, I didn't know where I came from." The truth was that her biological parents had died in the line of duty, but her parents didn't want to tell her that until she was old enough. "It destroyed me mentally for YEARS. Which is actually how I fell into this profession. I struggled for a long time with carrying that alone and when I started going to therapy regularly it clicked for me. That was when I decided that as long as I had the ability to, I would never let someone else carry their burdens alone. All that to say, don't worry about me. I've got tools to deal with anything you could throw at me."

She looked away for a moment and allowed a curious look to appear on her face before letting her eyes dart back."Do you think people actually don't understand how guarded you are, or do you think maybe you read into it so you can justify not trying to have a connection with them?"

[[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]]

[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]

Sydney was overcome with a weird sense of deja uv at both the direction and the question posed to her. While she'd been much more open with the XO, she didn't believe such a rambling answer would serve her well for this"¦'normal conversation'. After giving it the briefest moment of thought, the woman decided to take Jess up on her previous offer. "You know, maybe I will take that coffee." Standing up swiftly from the chair, Sydney glanced to the counselor and flashed an open palm to her, "No need to get up. I'm well-versed in replicator operation.

Stepping over and making a few, quick silent selections using the control panel as opposed to asking the computer, a rather large cup of a blended coffee materialized. Picking it up and moving back over to her chair, Sydney took a sip along the way before taking a seat once again. As opposed to her previous posture, instead of her hands resting on her thighs, they now clutched the tall coffee cup with both hands. Fixing her eyes on the woman across the desk, she lifted the cup to her lips once again, giving the slightly steaming cup a soft blow before taking a small sip.

Relaxing back into her chosen posture, Sydney inhaled and exhaled a deep breath before finally addressing the counselor's question. "The simplest answer is that Daystrom, where I was working at the time, didn't see the value in my continued research into Starfleet's computer security protocols. Starfleet has always been a bit..," her eyes shifted off as she paused in thought, "overconfident in their view of the security of their systems. Daystrom, due to their integration and reliance on Starfleet, was more interested in putting time and resources towards creating new defensive and weapons technology instead of safeguarding the technology we already have. I didn't see a future there that wouldn't involve me having to struggle against a system that didn't seem to believe my work held importance, so I decided to leave the civilian sector to join Starfleet where I knew I would be able to continue my work, even if not in as dedicated of a way, and hopefully one day bring about a new standard to our systems' security to prevent many of the tragedies that have resulted from that hubris."

While that may have answered the counselor's question as to the why of Sydney's decision to join Starfleet, she couldn't be sure the fellow Ensign had gleaned the specifics of her specialties from the rather breif personnel file that was little more than an outline of her life. Reaching up to set her cup of coffee on the edge of the desk, Sydney said simply, "I'm primarily a programmer, with a particular focus toward cryptography." Holding up her hands to show them to Jess, Sydney entered the unique sequence of thumb-to-fingertip touches that activated her ocular implants, changing her brown eyes to an almost illuminated golden color. Lowering her hands to wrap them back around her cup, but not taking it from the desktop, the Ops Officer continued, "My master's is a result of my work on these, in conjunction with a fellow student that was a certified surgeon working towards advancing nanotechnological implants. Tomobiki is the leading university in ocular implants and enhancements, so"¦" Sydney offered a shrug as she pulled her cup off the desk and took another sip, leaving her implants activated while the conversation continued.

Unlike her conversation with Rayek, the Ops Ensign had a feeling that the logical, informational answer wasn't exactly what the counselor was looking for, but it had become the usual answer when asked that inquiry. It was a question she'd received entirely too many times since initially applying to join Starfleet. Apparently, the Fleet wasn't accustomed to such highly-accredited academics choosing such a life of service, making her choice curious, if not suspicious, to many she encountered.

Jess listened intently nodding as the fellow officer spoke. She leaned slightly to the left to place her arm on the armrest of her chair. For a moment she let every word the ensign spoke linger in the air around them before finally clearing the air. "I see. It makes sense to leave a system you feel yourself incompatible with." She paused to let that fill the space for a brief moment before she continued.

Willard's eyes never left Reid's. She smiled slightly and then leaned forward intently. "Tell me how it felt to work in that system. I can imagine it was quite frustrating to feel like you were a puzzle piece that didn't fit."

Vila nodded.

"Indeed, it does," she said.

"I had to survive. The alternative was letting them win," she said. "I've never been the kind of person to let anyone beat me, at least not without a fight." Vila said. "Even when I was little, and playing with my brothers. The problem is that I don't use a lot of physical violence, I prefer to outsmart my opponent. I learned that...quick." She said.

Soon, the coffee was ready, and Vila took it, gratefully.

"So...what do I DO about it?"

Jess sat for a moment with the question thinking carefully about the answer. "The truth is that what you do about it is entirely up to you. Only you can answer that." She replied calmly. "You can let it consume you, let you shut off from the world. You can try to use it as a fuel which will burn bright, but that fire will likely burn you too. Or you let others help you carry the weight. I'm not going to lie to you, letting people help you can be incredibly hard. We'll start you small, don't worry. I'm not going to ask you to walk out of the office and go make a friend. Not yet at least." The counselor added, allowing her voice to become slightly more upbeat at the end of her comments.

[[USS Discovery - Deck 9 - Counselor's office]]

[USS Discovery - Deck 9 - Counselor's office]

Tess nodded in acceptance and appreciation of the offer to come to her whenever she felt she needed a safe place. Of course, the person Tess would always seek out first whenever she felt she needed someone would be Rayek. But she knew that Rayek had duties to perform, and that as the First Officer of this ship, the crew relied on him. Sooner or later he would be on his next away mission, and to then know Tess had someone to come to was reassuring - although of course she didn't know yet if Ensign Willard would be that person. They only met today and although Tess generally was someone who had no issues trusting others, it was something different to come to someone to discuss the deepest most personal issues.

"Thank you", Tess finally said, her voice still so soft that it might be hard to even hear her. "I appreciate that." Her comment about her stash of coffee beans from Earth prompted a weak smile. Normally Tess would ask questions and make some small talk about it, she actually was curious to try it, but right now she didn't feel like it. Perhaps that was a topic for a later time.

When asked about Katra it stirred up a mix of feelings in Tess. She had very fond but also hurtful memories on her time there. "It was ... one of the best times for me in Starfleet", she admitted. "And of my life. Katra was where I met and feel in love with Rayek. I've made some dear friends there." She thought of Saqa7, who she dearly missed. Solluk and 'Century' John Saxon who was almost like a father to her. Roberto, despite the difficulties with him and Rayek. Even the Romulan family s'Movel who they had become friends with. "I was so lucky to be able to serve with my brother and my father on Katra. But all of the crew was like family." She bit her lip when she thought of how everything had fallen apart after that. "While I have fond memories, of course there are other memories that I'd to forget. Being out on the verge of the Gamma quadrant it was a dangerous place."

Jess listened intently. She'd heard some stories about people living on the borders of the gamma quadrant but didn't know that much about it outside of some stories and what she'd learned at the academy. "When we leave something with so many good memories it can be a challenge. Many people don't factor in the longer-term feelings that can be tied up in that. I find often people don't fully process the feelings of one major life event and when they move on to another even the unresolved feelings can get tied together and amplify each other. I'm sure it's a decision that wasn't made lightly. Tell me about that. What made you decide to leave?" Her voice matched the softness of the woman in the room with her, but never waved in the added friendliness.

[[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]]

[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]

"Sorry, Sir"¦Jess," Sydney tried to quickly correct, but even then found her nerves defaulting her to practiced behavior. She was trying to relax, especially given she'd gone through these before, but each counselor was different, and this counselor certainly held more sway than any other when it came to the ship. Jess was already proving to treat it all as much more relaxed than previous experience, inviting a bit of much-needed playfulness to what was normally seen as a very professional and clinical event.

Glancing over at the replicator at Jess' offer, Sydney seemed to ponder for only a moment before turning her attention back to the counselor to answer, "No, thank you. I'm good for now, but I'll let you know if I change my mind." It was a concession she'd not made during her previous interview with the Discovery's XO, but already she was feeling like this was one of those situations where she needed to show a more relaxed stance if she wanted it to go well.

Unsure how to start as she stared at the other woman, Sydney once again slightly rubbed her thighs before asking, "So, how do you do this? Should I just start talking, or"¦was there questions you are supposed to ask?" The Ops Ensign was certainly trying to get things started, but seemingly only to make this evaluation go as quickly as possible, including answering all of the questions in whatever she believed was the correct thing to say to ensure a passing grade from the counselor.

Jess let her eyes fix themself on Sydney's. She nodded and then shrugged slightly. "Yes and no. This isn't a job interview, though I understand why it might feel as if it is. Treat this more as a normal conversation." She could tell the woman felt quite stiff and uncomfortable. "So, tell me what brings someone with a doctorate in computer science and a master's in cybernetics to be an ops officer?" Some of her hair had fallen over her right eye causing her to reach up and brush her hair behind her ear again.

Vila stood at the replicator for a moment. She couldn't tell if the woman was being facetious or honestly giving her an option. Still, she watched carefully.

"I have, actually. My ex husband was into coffee from all over; wherever we'd go, he'd buy beans. I couldn't ever get him to switch to tea," she said. "Ben was stubborn like that." She was stubborn in her ways, though, of course.

"I could do that..." She said. She crossed back to the chair, and sat, again, at the edge. She wasn't comfortable-she never was. She was always tense, even when she was asleep. Always alert to danger lurking. "It's not just new attachments...people don't understand. They say I should be over it by now. How can I be over it?! It's...too many things to happen to a single person. And I was a child for most of it. A CHILD. They took my doll. I have never been able to recover it..." She broke down then. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried, but it came out now.

Jess had begun to pour the hot water in a circular motion over the grounds, enough for the two of them to each have a cup when Vila continued. As she began to cry the counselor sat the kettle back onto her desk and made her way over to where she was now sat. "Trauma leaves scars. Scars deeper than we usually realize. If you had managed to get through all of that on your own unscathed I'd be more surprised."

A sympathetic look appeared on the counselor's face as she moved back to her desk, pouring two cups of coffee. She sat a cup on a coaster in front of Vila and one in front of the couch where Jess now sat. "But through all of it you've persisted. It can't be understated how remarkably impressive it is you're here in this moment."

[[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]]

[USS Discovery-B | Deck 9 | Counselor's Office]

Sydney was not pleased to be having her time taken up by such things but had come to understand they were a necessity given her position, and more importantly her required security clearances, aboard the Discovery. She'd never met anyone that actually enjoyed regular mandatory psychological evaluations, but it was the nature of the job and something she'd had to do more times than she could remember. Her Dad had mentioned before it wouldn't be unwise to seek some counseling, but the woman had never felt it personally necessary.

Arriving at the Counselor's Office door, Sydney took in a deep breath in preparation before exhaling it to reach out and press the button for the chime. The counselor's response was slightly muffled as it came through as the doors whooshed open. Laying her eyes on the woman as she took her seat behind her desk, the cryptologist was momentarily surprised by the unique look of the woman before stepping in to start her travel over the relatively short but seemingly distant expanse toward the open chair opposite the medical officer.

"Hi," Sydney called out brightly as the doors whoosed closed behind her. She was sure she heard the doors' lock engaging, causing her natural stride to gain a singular, slight hitch, but she chose to ignore it as she continued on. Coming to a halt just to the side of the chair across from Ensign Willard, the Ops Ensign offered a hand in greeting, matched with a slightly feigned smile, "Ensign Sydney Reid. I'm here for my mandatory security clearance psychological evaluation as scheduled, Sir." Unsure how exactly to address the woman who wore the same rank as her, she'd gone with the customary one used for officers aboard a Starfleet vessel.

Sydney didn't take the seat until it was offered or she was directed to, but as she did, it was clear she was finding this whole situation somewhat uncomfortable. Taking the seat in a rigid, almost formal posture, her hands came to rest on her thighs but slid back and forth slightly, as if self-soothing. She didn't mean to be nervous but was well aware of how important this evaluation was, especially in regard to her specialized assignment on the ship and the future of her career in Starfleet.

[Councelor's Office]

Jess eyes followed the path Sydney took to her seat and kept an eye on her posture. Her eyebrows raised slightly and her smile grew. Quietly she relaxed her posture and listened to Sydney speak. "Sir huh?" She called out ryely. "Please. Just Jess. Or counselor, doc, basically anything other than sir. I'm not your superior. Just a counselor." She nodded slightly before continuing. "Don't worry about protocol in here. Trust me, the secret will be safe with me." She added with a slight wink.

The counselor sat for a moment and made a slight motion to the replicator. "Is there anything I can get you? Coffee, tea, cookies?"

Vila considered a moment.

"Habitual. I have always been a bit...headstrong, even as a young child.It only got worse as I got older. The Cardassians didn't know what to do with a mouthy ten year old, so I was beaten sometimes. Mostly just given more tasks. Then, as I got older, and we were liberated...it got worse as each bad thing happened. When my father died, it kind of...started me on the worst of it. School was terrible-the only thing I could focus on was my work with the Militia-I was small and fast, and could channel my anger to shooting things and throwing grenades. After school, I met my ex husband, and...it just got worse. I can't--couldn't have children. Four miscarriages, and each one was worse than the last. I started relying more and more on alcohol. Ben was gone a LOT with his work in the Fleet-he's a Commander now, third in command of his ship-and I needed something. We left DS9 and Bajor, where I had, obviously, felt most at home, and was ok. I couldn't really hack it as an officer's wife...my brain is active and I am one of those people who, when I get bored, I get destructive. I couldn't very well destroy things, so I destroyed MYSELF." She shrugged. "The fifth and final time we tried to have a baby... I made it to four months, and...he was born early. They couldn't...save him. He died a few hours after the birth, and...that was it. I lost it. I blamed Ben....and a year later, we were separated. A year after that, our divorce was finalized. I went back to Bajor for a bit. I realize now it wasn't his fault...but I just knew at the time that he was a scientist, and the Fleet doctors were supposed to be the best in the Universe...why couldn't they fix it?!" She shrugged again. "Now...it's too late, I guess, but I did discover that it was either something that Cardassians did directly TO me or something we were exposed to. Viruses were rampant. The doctor at the Academy informed me that it was...not a genetic thing." She sighed.

"Can I have some coffee?" She crossed to the replicator.

Jess stood and walked behind her desk. "Absolutely, but in this office we don't do coffee from the replicator." Jess said happily. "Have you ever tried the real thing? It certainly takes longer to make but I find the process of making it really therapeutic." She grabbed her hand grinder and a small container of beans she'd pre-weighed as well as her v60. Slowly she poured the beans into the top of the hand grinder and held it out. "Destructive huh?" She thought to herself as she turned on the kettle and set up the carafe with the v60 on top. "While we chat I'm going to teach you how to make it."

She'd picked up the hobby of making coffee herself during her residency. Another patient had gotten her to do it after discovering it calmed them down when having a panic attack. Since then she'd used it regularly with other patients. "I've already got all the settings ready to go. Just turn the crank until you feel it becomes quite a bit easier. Then you can take the bottom cap off and empty it into this cotton filter." She paused slightly before continuing. "You've been through a great deal. It sounds like you've lost a lot, mixed with the need to fight it's no wonder you want to hide away. I'm sure habit is a large part of it, but it's natural when you've lost as much as you have to try to close yourself off from new attachments."